(Disclaimer: I am NOT a psychologist and have no claim to be an expert on mental health, if you are having severe mental health concerns or have had a traumatic experience, consult a professional psychologist or doctor to help you with your personal situation.) With that being said, I do believe this is a subject that needs to talked about more often and so I thought maybe someone could benefit from the things I’ve learned personally. This is a pretty deep/heavy post so prepare yourself! haha.
This post in particular has been my hardest to write yet. It’s a difficult subject to discuss because everyone is SO different in this area. We all have external and internal circumstances that effect us all differently. However, I still want to talk about it because I strongly believe it’s something we ALL struggle with. For mom’s in particular, it can be exhausting taking care of everyone one else’s needs. I know sometimes, we are so tired we don’t have the energy to even take care of ourselves. I know for me, I get to the end of the day and feel like I wasn’t able to accomplish anything. Even though I felt like I was running around like a crazy person all day!
Most of the time, I feel that I (and most of us) are pretty good at handling emotions. But some days I can really tell when I am mentally and emotionally drained. When I don’t make time for myself, mentally I get burned out, and that’s when things really start to go down hill. Everyone is affected including not only myself but my husband, and our child. Then before I know it, the day is over and it’s gone and I can’t get it back. Then I feel guilty for treating my family so poorly, which in turn makes me super sad and mad at myself. Too often I think I try to blame outside sources for the way I act or feel. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had days that this at one point or another!
So I’ve really tried to make it a goal to be better about taking care of myself and my mental health. My main purpose sharing this with you is to hopefully someone out there struggling with this too. I know we are all different and that we all have our own personal battles and trials but I also believe that we are cut from the same cloth. I truly believe someone reading this needs it. And it might be you. Now You don’t have to agree with everything I say, or really any of it. But these are concepts have really helped me and my mental health, and I hope it helps some of you. I can’t guarantee that they will work, but I have a feeling that they just might. They aren’t anything new or ground breaking, but most things in life aren’t.
God
I have to say this first and foremost: I believe in God, I believe there is a God, and if that offends you, you can stop reading this post. I believe that the first step in keeping yourself mentally healthy is a good relationship with God. Just like with any relationship, it demands time, it requires patience and effort. It requires genuine communication and being candid. I don’t want to get too technical about this one, because I have very strong beliefs and I am not here to argue over religion. But if I want to feel grounded, building a strong relationship with my Father in Heaven is usually where I start. It gives me SO much peace!
Love yourself
Loving yourself is one of THE best ways we can be mentally healthy. It’s something we were told we should from when we were kids. But over time as I’ve gotten older, I’ve discovered that this is REALLY hard for us to do sometimes. Especially if you feel like you aren’t where you thought you would be in your life. Or if you feel like you’ve lost your identity entirely. But I promise, you are probably doing better than you think you are. I truly believe we are our worst critics. I sometimes have to tell myself that even though I am not perfect, I am a dang good mom! So love yourself! Love yourself the way you would want to be loved by someone else. Love yourself like you love your family. I really believe that if people loved themselves, a lot of tragedies in todays world wouldn’t exist.
Only you
I cannot stress this enough. The only person you can rely on to make yourself happy IS yourself. After you read this, I hope that you understand that YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE! No one else is to blame, not the jerk at the gas station, the mean girls from school, not the guy who broke your heart, not even your own family. YOU are the only one that can make you happy. YOU are the only one that can make yourself feel better about your life. YOU are the only person you need to complete yourself. And guess what? YOU are enough. Every imperfection, every strength, YOU are enough. What YOU put your time and energy to is what your going to get. Take charge of your happiness!! Realizing this fact has made me happier and in result of that, my personal relationships. When I take time to love and care for myself, I am taking care of my children, my husband, my family, my community, and all the lives I touch. I truly believe loving yourself is one of the first steps to being mentally healthy.
“I believe that you are only as happy as you allow yourself to be.”
Find joy in the little things
Try to find joy in the little things you do everyday. No matter what stage of life you are in, you are never going to get this moment back. You are never going to get this day back. So just know when you are sitting on the toilet and your child comes in with an iPad watching a show and sits down beside you because they didn’t want to be alone, and before you get annoyed, soak it in. Pretty soon they are going to grow up and not care if you are around. I know this may sound cliche, but finding joy in the everyday things is SO important. The stage of life we are in will be over before we know it. That’s the reality, so enjoy it. Enjoy your kids while they are kids.
It also to helps me enjoy everyday (day or night) to fit in something everyday that relaxes/grounds me. Whether it’s doing nails, having a bubble bath, putting on a face mask, reading a book, going for a walk, or simply watching a show that lifts me up. Anything you enjoy doing, make sure you have time to do it. It may not be a lot, it may just be taking the time to shower, but find time to do it. You’ll feel so much better and in control.
Stop caring
This is probably one of the biggest ones for me. I recently read a self help book called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu**”. Now before ya’ll start throwing pitchforks at me about the title I know, I don’t like strong language either and I seriously almost didn’t read it because of that. But a friend I have recommend it and said it changed her outlook on life, so I read a little and I was hooked. I have read it twice now and I will probably keep reading it to remind me of what really matters. I’m not going to tell you you have to go read it, but with that being said, I found it VERY helpful and insightful and you can choose to read it or not at your own discretion.
One of the things I really connected with in the book was how we spend a tremendous amount of time “caring” about things (I’m saying this a lot nicer than he did! haha) that we don’t need to be caring about. I could literally quote the whole book but I agree with him when he says: “The problem is that caring too much is bad for your mental health. It causes you to become overall attached to the superficial and fake, to dedicate your life to chasing a mirage of happiness and satisfaction. The key to a good life is not caring about more, it’s carling less, caring about only what is true, immediate, and important.”
Now he’s not saying don’t care about anything obviously. Not caring does not mean being indifferent, but more so being comfortable with being different. He means caring less about the trivial things. For instance the toilet seat being left up and your kids got into it, or the sweater that got ruined in the wash, or how your family member said something snarky to you, or when our ‘regular order’ that you get every single time we go to our favorite restaurant is out, or how your husband was home late from work again. Are these really things worth our time and energy spent being angry over after the fact? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, I struggle with getting upset over trivial things probably more than most. But I honestly knew this was so true when I read his book. I literally stop myself and think, wow-am I still really going to spend my energy getting mad about THIS? And usually, it’s not that important and I let it go, and you know what I’ve found? I am so much happier! When I stop caring about the unimportant things, I had more energy for the important and meaningful things. Things that are the best use of my time and energy.
In a way it’s SO liberating. We no longer HAVE to care about everything. Some life situations are what they are. And that’s ok. Really what it boils down to is what we are choosing to find important in life and what we are choosing to find unimportant.
It’s ok not to be ok
We need to get rid of the illusion that we always need to be happy and life always needs to be good. Of course we want life to be happy and fun! But when it comes down too it, it’s just unrealistic to be happy ALL the time. Life is not meant to be always happy and positive, and for some reason (probably a lot of thanks to social media) we believe that it should be. But I want to tell you that it’s ok to be sad or mad or upset. In fact, we need these. I know it’s not fun to admit but we do. I believe the negative experiences make us into who we are just as much as the positive ones. It’s our trials and hardships that make us different from others. Although we don’t want them, they make us who we are. We just have to learn how to turn that pain into a tool or power, and how to make life more meaningful from it.
I hope this helped someone out there who feels like they are struggling. Keep your head up, and just know that you are enough! Remember God loves you. Remember to love yourself. Remember that life isn’t always happy or easy and it’s ok not to be ok all the time.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that this really doesn’t even scratch the surface of it all. But, I truly hope these simple things can help you get through whatever it is where you are going through!
Best wishes,
XO, Jamie
