Do you ever just have those really hard days? Days where nothing is really different but you just seem overwhelmed? Where little petty things that usually don’t bug you seem to set you on edge? When you wake up for the day and realize your tank is already half empty? And has maybe even been running on empty for a while?
This is usually called a mom burnout, and we’ve all had them.
A while ago, I found myself having a lot of these days. I was not at all pleasant to be around. I was irritable, tired, short with my words, and all I wanted to do is ‘quit’ for the day and retreat. I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be, and I felt myself growing more and more resentful towards everyday tasks.
One day, at the end of a very long day, I just remember asking myself, why? What causing me to have these burn outs? And why did they seem to be more and more prevalent? As I tried to reflect on my life, I’m ashamed to say that I first tried to blame my life situations, my spouse, or even my child’s attitude. But then I slowly realized it had nothing to do with any of that.
It had everything to do with me.
This thought finally snapped me out of the rut that I built for myself. I was trying to blame external situations when really, the fight was in me internally. I started to realize I was the only one who had the power to make myself happy. I was choosing to be like this. It was me that was letting those emotions take over, it was me who was letting it effect my family, and it was my no one’s else’s fault but my own if I wasn’t happy.
Once I took ownership, I asked myself: So what can I do to help prevent my tank from becoming empty?
It then I knew that I needed to put myself back on the priority list.
Why it’s hard to make ourselves a priority
“Caring for yourself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.“
-Unknown
The majority of us know that we need to take care of ourselves, and would love to make ourselves a priority. But for some reason, it’s hard for us do. And I believe it’s because it may have something to do with the fact that women are inherently born with the instinct to take care of others. It’s what makes us such dang good moms, doctors, teachers, etc. We have a special connections to others feelings and we are more sensitive to them. I truly believe that we are divine spirits with tremendous amounts of potential. Because of this, I think it’s hard to think about ourselves without feeling guilt, and more specifically the mom guilt.
We feel guilty that we aren’t able to spend every minute with our children without needing moments of space sometimes. Feeling guilty for leaving for even a few minutes and ‘making’ your spouse or someone else watch the kids. Or the famous ‘work mom’ vs. the ‘stay at home’ mom guilt trips. You either feel guilty for working, so you feel like you need to do more when you are at home . Or you stay at home, so you feel like you need to be doing more because you’re not working. Or when someone close to you judges you and asks you ‘why you’re allowing someone else to raise your children’.
You know what I think? I think that mom guilt is a little more personal. I believe that all these guilty feelings derive from the underlying self belief that we simply don’t think we are ‘good enough’.
THIS IS SUCH A LIE!
We need to get erase the thoughts of not being good enough. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and she said something that I will always remember. She said (and I agree), that out of ALL the moms, in all of time, in all of creation, in all the universe, YOU were chosen to be the mother of your children. Out of the billions and billions of people God trusted YOU to raise these children, because he knew that you could help them the most. God believes that you are enough.
What we can do
When I knew a burn out was coming, (which usually included irritably, impatience and shortness), I found that some things helped me better than others. These five things I have listed below are what help me the most when I am having a hard time, and I share them in hopes that they can help you as well!
1. Finding out what ‘fills my tank’
“Rest and self care are so important, When you take time to replenish your spirt it allows you to serve others… you cannot serve others from an empty vessel.”
-Elenor Brown
After realizing that taking time for myself was not selfish or something to feel guilty about, I knew I needed to refuel my tank but I wasn’t really sure of how to do that. So I started with simply asking myself these questions:
1. What do I really like to do for myself?
2. What would it take for me to feel ready to face what I need to do today?
3. What is something that I could reasonably fit in/do everyday for myself?
Let me answer these to show you what I mean.
For example, I really like girly stuff. I love having a hot bath, face masks, nails painted, putting on my favorite comfy pajamas and putting on my favorite shows. Outside of the home, I really enjoy walking, shopping, or going on a drive and looking for ideas for a home one day. Any one of those things would add some water to my tank.
I thought about it and I knew it would really help me feel ready to face the day if I was able to pray/study, exercise, and get ready alone. I really wanted to have that ‘me’ time in the morning so that I feel put together and ready to go. That way I can be able to give my full attention to my daughter when she wakes up.
I decided that it was more valuable to me to get up early. I chose to get up early with my husband when he leaves for work, say goodbye to him, and have an hour or so to myself before Navy wakes up. That way I could work out and/or get myself ready for the day while I listen to a podcast/talk to get me in the right mind set.
And I have to tell you, even though some days it’s hard as heck, I noticed SUCH a big difference in myself. When I don’t do this, my days are much harder to get through. But when I have this alone time I am more productive, I feel better about myself, I’m kinder to my spouse and daughter, I have more patience, I feel more peace, I am less grouchy (to avoid the ‘b’ word haha), and I feel like I am better focused on my other priorities.
Now I know that some of those things don’t make everyone feel rejuvenated and that’s ok! You don’t have to be a morning person. Maybe you don’t like working out or putting on makeup, find something that you do like. It could be something as simple as taking a walk. Or hanging out on your porch watching the sun come up while you listen to your favorite music. Maybe catching up with your best friend over lunch. Everyone is different. Some people think running is fun, and I say ‘heck no!’ to that.
In short, I took ownership of my time and I started implementing a doable self care plan.
2. Setting Boundaries
Sometimes we have burn outs because we choose to take on too much. I will admit, that I have at times bit off more than I can chew and I become resentful. But I have become better about knowing when to say yes and how to say no, and a lot of the reason is because of the book called Boundaries. This book has taught me SO much about taking responsibility of myself. I love how it teaches that everyone NEEDS set boundaries and how we to set healthy ones and how to respect others.
I kid you not, EVERY SINGLE PERSON can take away from this book. It teaches you how to set boundaries with your: Parents, children, spouse, siblings, grandparents, friends, etc. If you are having a hard time with any of these relationships, this book can possibly help.
I won’t get in too deep because everyone has different problems, but the main point is it really helped me to realize that, I am the only one responsible for knowing and setting my own boundaries. “Other people are not responsible for our limits; WE ARE. Only you know what you can and want to give, and only you can be responsible for drawing that line. If you do not draw it, you can quickly become resentful.”
So now I try remember this, and I become much less resentful to the tasks I take on because it’s what I’m choosing to do. No one else is responsible for how much I choose to take on but me.
“The best boundaries are loving ones… Boundaries in no way mean to stop loving. They mean the opposite: you are gaining freedom to love. It is good to sacrifice and deny yourself for the sake of others. But you need boundaries to make that choice.”
“Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
3. Having a ‘Pause’ Button
On the days where I am having a really bad day, and I’m irritable, and yelling, and all else fails when I just know that I am going to lose it. I have tried using this thing called an personal ‘Pause’ button.
This is literally when I pause my day, drop whatever I’m doing, grab my daughter and myself and throw ourselves together (whatever we may look like) and leave the scene of the crime (aka our home). We don’t do anything crazy, we just go for a drive. I usually stop and get a treat or something (usually a swig drink) and turn on some music, or a podcast, and just pause my day. Navy usually has a toy or a snack and I just drive, sometimes to a destination, but most of the time we simply stay in the car while I look at home ideas for an hour or so.
This ‘pause button’ has really helped me to take a moment before I start acting in a way that I know I’ll regret later. I realized I’d rather hit ‘pause’ before I take anything out on my family. My relationships with them are much more important to me then what I was trying to accomplish.
No matter what your personal ‘pause button’ looks like, going to the park, or driving, or going on a walk, etc. Make sure that you have one. A moment you can have to pause and reset your mind. I promise it will help both you and your family.
4. Remembering everyone’s tank is filled different
Have you ever met that women who is just full of endless energy and you wonder where all that comes from? I personally know some amazing women who can accomplish so much in a day. They seem to need no breaks, have a good attitude, and they don’t seem to need much time at all to fill up their tanks. I sometimes found myself wishing that I could be more like them, that I could ‘perform’ at a higher level like they seemed to be. I asked myself why they seem to function just fine on no sleep and I can’t even go one night without it affecting me? But then I started to realize that ALL women recharge differently.
Extroverts
Those women who I just referred to are probably more likely to be extroverts in personality. Meaning, they are people who tend to feel energized and inspired by others. After they have spent time with other people, they actually gain energy from those situations. Obviously there are probably different levels of extroverts, but it shows us that just because someone else can thrive and ‘do more’ in our eyes, might just be because of how they work internally.
Introverts
However, if you have an introverted personality (like me), than you actually gain energy being alone. Alone time is how we recharge and reset. Unlike extroverts, we need time away to think and reflect on our day. We really value that time which allows us to ‘fill our tanks’.
This example is just one of many of why we can’t compare ourselves to others. We are all made to be different. What we and our families need are completely different than someone else’s.
Now I know that some of you might be rolling your eyes at this. You are probably sarcastically thinking to yourself ‘wouldn’t that be nice’, or ‘I wish I could do that, but there is no way’, Or ‘she only has one kid’ or ‘she doesn’t work’ or ‘she has other people watch her kids’, or my favorite ‘she just has more time than I do’. I will say, some women really do have a lot more on their plates than others, but did I miss something? Does someone else out there have more than 24 hours in a day? Last I checked, we all only have 24 hours. Does what each of us choose do with those hours differ? Absolutely. You have time for what you make time for. If you don’t like what you are putting time into, change it!
5. Learning to Simplify
Recently, I have been on a mission to simplify my life. (If you haven’t read my ‘A change for simplicity’ post, go read it!) I have found that the more I focus on the things that truly matter, the more I seem to enjoy my life.
With that on my mind, I’ve been thinking a lot about what my priorities are recently. I don’t think I’ve ever actually had to sit down and write the top priorities in my life. But I didn’t have to think before I knew that the relationships that I had with God and my family were my top priorities. If everything else fell away, I could live with whatever happens.
But unfortunately, I am human and I recognize that I lose sight of those things sometimes. I start listening to other sources from the world around me telling me that other things are more important. I feel like the world yells at me everyday that,’this is important! and this is important! You need to be worrying more about this! And this! and this!’ And sometimes, they are even really valid things. But it is my job to pull my hand back and put it back on my heart and say “No, this is what is important.”
Remember you are enough
I hope these suggestions can help you when you are having a bad day, or a lot of bad days. I promise if you are reading this, you are probably doing better than you think you are! Believe in yourself, and remember that you are enough.
xo,
Your friend Jamie
(PS I would LOVE to know what some of you do when you are having a hard day! Leave your suggestions in the comments below!)
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